Battle Scars

This is a battle between me and my heart, my feeling, towards him, Mr Panda. A year ago, I still remembered, I'm head over heels over him. I even cried for him when I heard 'bout his story with his new girlfriend. But, after I moved, I tried my best to forget him, but I failed. I wanna move on, for not falling in love again with him. And after a long time of not seeing each other and do not contact each other cause both of us are busy with our own activities, I thought I managed to not love him anymore. I thought managed to threw away those feelings, managed to move on. But, I was wrong. When we met again, in a reunion, those feeling came back to me. Which makes me felt awkward, why would it happen. And hurt as well. Cause, when I look at him, he seems like don't love me anymore. I can see it in his eyes. But... It's hard to describe. I can't even end our relationship when it don't even started. Besides, I knew why he would lose those feeling towards me, cause it's my fault anyway. When I'm far away from him, I started to have a relationship with another guy. I do this cause sometimes I felt tired of waiting. It's like I'm waiting for nothing. Then, maybe it's cause I've been single for so long so I felt like I wanna feel how to be in a relationship again. And lastly, cause I wanna try to forget him and threw away the feeling towards him. But it just doesn't feel right. Every single day, although I'm in a relationship with Mr N *my ex that time* I still thinking of him every time, wishing for him to say that he love me or something, I also felt guilty towards him, which I don't know why. But after I broke up, I said to myself I don't wanna fall in love again. That is the time where me and Mr Panda met again. So once again, I fell for him. It's quite funny even though it hurts me a lot. Haha. After that, I'm having a battle within myself. Sometimes whenever I see him or even see his pictures, my hearts goes crazy, pumping up and down, making my blood pressure goes high. But sometimes, I didn't feel anything. It's like, my heart is empty. And just so you know, I also 'steal' some of his pictures when he won an award not long ago. Since I'm not there to watch him going to the stage and winning that competition, so I make a decision to grab his pictures. Hihihi. When I miss him, I'll look at his pictures or ours when we went to the reunion. As a friend, he's very sweet and kind. He kinda took care of every one of his friends, including me. But, don't give me wrong here, THAT kindness and sweetness is not the reason why I fell for him. I don't even know why I fell for him, to be honest.
And when there's another guy try to steal my heart from me, my heart still say this loudly "I still want you Mr Panda. No matter what happen I still love you"
Now, he's going to Peninsular to continue his studies. I'm afraid he will found someone better than me there, but that is something that I can't stop. There's nothing that I can do. I just can wish for his well-being and success. Hope he can achieve his dream.
Here, I will having a battle with my heart for those feeling. The battle started cause sometimes I feel weird and confused with myself whether I love him or not, whether I should wait for him or not. I can't answer it. And in the end, it leaves scars. Scars that was made by myself. There's just one thing that I know, he is the piece of me that I wish I didn't need.

~ All the best for you, Mr Panda. Take Care. I wish I can stop loving you so much ~